Work, Hair, & A Whole Lot of Change

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I literally do not have a caption this time

Left: Photo- Ariann Tudor

Right: Mile High Captures

It’s that time again!

I still cannot believe how many views I got on my last post about my eating disorder (ED) recovery. It absolutely blew my mind. Last you knew, I was in the middle of a relapse. I don’t want to go as far as to say that I am out of that, but I would say that I am a bit more recovery focused almost six months later. I want to discuss a few different topics with you all in this blog post; the first of which is my hair.

Hair Talk

My patient, angel hair stylist, Andrea Gordon, has been working away at my hair now for over a year. No matter how much she conditions it, it is hard to change the fact that I have an impressive amount of breakage due to a lack of nutrition from my ED. With so many ups and downs with my eating, it is hard for my hair to even grow properly. I have added in some vitamins in the last few months, which has been helping it grow stronger, but it is still very hard to be both blonde and anorexic (lol). We are taking a break from that iconic silver hair I have established myself with in the modeling scene in Denver, but don’t worry- it will return next summer. My hair just needs a break this winter. Andrea is so patient with me and uses Oligo on my hair to repair breakage. She does conditioning and shine treatments, and reminds me to be gentle with heat on my hair.

I always leave the salon feeling amazing. Getting my hair done can be really tough for me with my body dysmorphic disorder as well. A lot of my BDD is attached to the length of my hair and this occasionally gives me a panic attack. Lucky for me Andrea is a pro with extensions and switched me from clip ins to tape ins back in January of this year, which has cut back my hair-related panic attacks significantly.

It is my honest recommendation that if you are looking for a new stylist to give Andrea a call… especially if you have damage to your hair from an ED, or are self conscious about something. I am usually terrified of people touching my hair and I trust her with my life. You can book with her by clicking the button below. You can get 20% off of your service by mentioning my name and telling her that you read my blog post. She is located in Downtown Denver.


Booze Talk (Or rather a “No Booze” Talk)

Those of you who regularly view my posts on Instagram may know that I’ve recently embarked on a one year long “no-alcohol” journey (perhaps “challenge” is a better word right now as I am starting out). After one interesting and stressful evening in particular, I decided that it was time to scale back the drinking. While I really am not a drinker, the first two weeks showed me that I was spending a ton (a toooooooon) of money on drinks every week. Yikes.

I decided that after two weeks of “cutting back” (I had a grand total of three drinks with family and friends while on a work trip to Vegas and LA) it was time to maybe make a change. I believe I’m over three weeks in with no alcohol, and it has been over five since I made the decision to cut back.

It is incredible how I am already starting to feel better mentally and physically. My bank account is a lot happier, too. I honestly think this will not only help my depression, but my ED recovery as well. I decided to try to commit to cooking at home more and moving more as well. Why not go all in if I’m making one change already, right? I have been visiting the rink more frequently (I know you all are loving those hydroblade videos) and may ease my way back into weightlifting. Right now I am focusing on getting my strength and energy back; both of which disappear when I have longer depressive episodes.

So far so good on the no drinking alcohol, though. What is challenging is having to remind friends what I am up to, and learning how to deal with people trying to push alcohol on me after I have said ‘no.’ It really isn’t that hard for me to say no. I’m very stubborn and able to resist just about anything (with the exception of pizza). I’ll definitely give you all updates along the way! This is going to be an interesting year.

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One other thing I wanted to talk to you all about is my dating life. I joke about it a lot on social media in part due to my desire to keep my actual dating life private. Most of you won’t know if I am in a relationship or not- that’s not important for my followers to know about. I do not believe that the secret to happy relationships is to post your significant other all over your social media pages. I did, however, get a little serious the other day because I get so many messages in my inbox asking about my relationship status, or asking me out on dates, and this has been stressful for me while going through a transition. If you missed the post, here it is:

I recently solidified my exit from another abusive relationship that I’ve been in and out of for the last year and a half, and let me tell you- it was scary. But- if we don’t talk about this stuff, it is easy to feel alone and like no one else is going through what you are going through... So that’s why I blog about my work life and my mental health simultaneously. I kicked myself every time I went on a date with a new man, it didn’t work out for some reason or another, and I went back to this alcoholic dude because I felt unloveable and unworthy of a man that wouldn’t be abusive towards me. I felt like I should have known better, having already been through this with other abusers. I think it is only within the last few weeks that I’ve realized that no one (me) deserves to be called names, or yelled at, or threatened, or cheated on and lied to, or made to feel like they are undeserving of existing and taking up space. I promised myself that I would be out by the end of this year and I am out and not going back. I was dead serious on my IG story last night- I am not interested in dating because it’s me time right now and I need time to heal and learn to trust men again (aaaaagain... I know). Most importantly I am trying to learn that none of this is my fault and I have the power to choose who I am surrounded by. I’m lucky to have such an amazing circle of friends... female and male. Just keeping it real because I hate when people/followers get certain ideas of who I may be without even knowing me, and I think this happens a lot with social media personalities- models, especially, who want to look perfect on the ‘gram. Thanks for the sweet (and comical) responses to my “stop trying to take me out” segment last night. I’m gonna be fine now. Xoxo Love yo-selvesss. • 📸

I think Halsey says what I want to say to some of the “dating: messages best:

I know you’re dying to meet me
But I can just tell you this
Baby, as soon as you meet me
You’ll wish that you never did
— Halsey, "Alone"

Social media is such a funny place, and I’ll be the first Instagram model to tell you that I have two very separate identities. For my own sake I have begun trying to combine the two. It can be incredibly stressful trying to maintain two separate people, and keep the two from bleeding into each other at inappropriate times. Off of IG, I’m hyper, loud, outspoken, goofy, and sometimes shy and insightful. I am confident, but I definitely don’t care as much about being sexy like I am in the ‘gram world. I do feel a certain pressure to post sexier content because that is what gets me the most likes on posts. To be honest, I really don’t wear makeup when I am working, and I don’t love posting sexy content. I get a lot of validation from myself these days, but I definitely feel like I have to post glam content to conform to what the other models are doing. It sits funny with me due to my “bodypos” preaching, too. Ugh.

Because of the stress from this, you will notice me transitioning my social media from strictly modeling material into both modeling and personal content. This means that you’ll see more skating, puppies, concerts, friends, and honest excerpts from my brain. I am going somewhere with this, I promise. This post about leaving this unhealthy relationship is one of those posts.

Some of you know which relationship this post was talking about. It was a year and a half of my life. It could have been shorter or longer depending on my decisions, and I am definitely glad it was not longer. I think it is important for you all to know things like this because it definitely affects things like my work flow and my emotional state. The transition out of this relationship has been hard on me, and it accounts for my lack of blogging and feeling “stuck” creatively. I am really hoping that letting go and moving forward will bring nothing but good things for me in my work this coming year. That is all I will say about that right now. I’ll spare you all the details.


Okay, phew! Gosh, that was a lot. Thanks for hanging in there until the end with me, guys. My butt is now numb from sitting in the same spot at Starbucks, writing this for the last two hours.

Until next time,

xoxo

Ashlie

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Ashlie Wynne